Since I can speak from personal experience, it’s probably helpful I pass along brief information about Aspergers and asexuality.
The statement Tony Atwood makes on pages 308 and 309 of his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome,
…the partner of a man or woman with Asperger’s syndrome is more likely to be concerned about the lack of sexual desire rather than an excess. The partner with Asperger’s syndrome may become asexual once he or she has children or once the couple have formally committed themselves to the relationship.
is correct, except for the part about “becoming” asexual. Asexuality is a sexual orientation belonging to individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. Celibacy is a choice. Asexuality is not.
If, or when, an asexual engages in sex, the motive will not be the same as for someone who does have sexual desires. Generally speaking, asexuality is more common among Aspies than neurotypicals. However, this doesn’t mean most Aspies are probably asexual.
Studies suggest that around one percent of the population is asexual. This topic is fairly new, so there is a good chance this percentage is incorrect. The number is probably much higher. The percent of female Aspies in existence is most likely also reported inaccurately low.
On his blog, Life With Aspergers, Gavin covers the sensory issues associated with touch. He has spoken to a number of Aspies who find light touching, fingertips, etc., to be irritating. He is that way himself. Almost always, so am I. Gavin also states, “…many Aspies who have no problems with tight hugs, etc., will tend to pull away if they are patted or stroked. Often itching or rubbing the place where they have been touched. This will frequently send the wrong message to their loved ones.”
I can relate to this comment submitted on March 18, 2011 4:26 PM to Gavin’s post Aspies and Sexuality by Anonymous,
In my case, Tony Attwood got it exactly right. I have Aspergers and consider myself to be asexual. I did however, as Attwood describes, attempt sexual interest only insofar as to gain a partner. Once the deal was sealed so to speak, I went right back to my asexual ways. And while I never desired sex, I realized logically that it was necessary if I wanted to continue the relationship I was in. It is hard enough to find a man when you have Asperger’s, it is entirely another thing to find a man who is also okay with not having sex. So I had sex until I realized we were in it for the long haul, then I stopped (or at least greatly decreased…If I stopped completely I would probably be back on Square 1).
Penelope Trunk says she is an Aspie female. Her post What it’s like to have sex with someone with Asperger’s doesn’t cover the topic of asexuality, but it does provide her personal sexual experience. AVEN – The Asexual Visibility and Education Network provides a wealth of information about asexuality.
I’m a female aspie. I’m not asexual, but I have been celibate virtually all my life. I don’t know how much of a “choice”it has been.Because of my Asperger’s I am extremely socially impaired and was unable to form relationships with men I desired. I had no interest in “faking it”with men who were available to me, but who were not the ones I wanted. I have confused about the relationship betwen aspies and asexuality. I think its far more common for aspies to have the same experience I have had–celibacy because of social inability rather than actual lack of sexual feelings. However, I am also aware that many aspies take SSRI-type depressants, like Lexapro and that this type of medication does indeed strip you of any libido. I don’t know whether asexuality as a side effect of medication would be considered true asexuality.
Perhaps someone can shed some light on this.
Charli,
All I can do is speak from my own experience. I don’t take medications.
When I was in my early twenties, a psychiatrist tried to convince me that there was something “wrong” with me because of lacking a libido. In hindsight, I now see why he tried to do so. He was trying to seduce me into having sex with him.
People should not make the assumption that just because an asexual person participates in sex means that individual has to fake having a sex drive. Men may enjoy thinking they’re turning on their partner, but even if they know they’re not, that doesn’t necessarily stop them from wanting to fulfill their sexual desire.
I realized about a year ago that my husband of almost 2 years has Aspergers. During the premarital stage, he was generally awkward sexually, but he made an effort, and I thought it was something we could work on.
As time went on after we were married, his libido went from below average to nonexistant and I have gone from mildly frustrated but hopeful to incredibly frustrated and on the verge of giving up. I feel as though he quite knowingly misrepresented himself in order to “seal the deal”, and now I am left without physical OR emotional satisfaction. Because I had some concerns before I married him, I made it especially clear to him in no uncertain terms that I anm a very sexual person, that touching, kissing, and sex are very important, and that I am sexually adventurous.
He told me that was great, that he was, too – but he just wanted to take things at a little slower pace. Well, three years into the relationship and I feel like my 39 year old spouse might as well be 89. I have invested a lot in this marriage, have brought my own three younger kids into it, and am trying to give then stability. The problem is, I dont know how long I can live in an emotionless, virtually sexless, marriage devoid of an emotional connection. HELP!!
What did he say to you when you told him what you’ve told me? Or did you?
I guess you’ve realized by now you’re getting to know your husband. I don’t know if you can comprehend that it is possible he may grow to love you even though he does not (and probably may never) express it through affection. However, that can only happen if you grow to love him, which isn’t likely given the kind of nature us human beings have. But, there is hope. It just isn’t the kind you’re focused on.
It’s not right that you were led to believe your husband’s interest in sex would increase. There is no excuse for it, but there is a reason. He knew he would not get you to marry him if you knew what he is really like. Obviously he wanted you to be his wife. He most likely will be a husband who will never cheat on you.
Your situation is no different than with my marriage, except for some details. My husband has interest in sex and he is affectionate. I’m the one who is not affectionate. I’m only affectionate towards my pets. I’m capable of being affectionate towards my grown up children. I’m never non-affectionate towards my very young grandchildren.
When it comes to sex, I have no interest; none exists, whether it’s towards my husband or anyone. It’s not possible to know how things would be different if my husband had not turned violently abusive right after I married him and was pregnant with his child. He was much more psychologically abusive than physically. That lasted for 12-13 years. I’m still married to him, so that makes my marriage to now be 24 years long.
Before I became beaten down enough to quit acting like a beggar groveling for crumbs of love, I lived in fear. Fear drove me to do all I could think of to please him. Now in hindsight, I know he misbehaved like he did because of fear. He loved his first wife of 11 yrs., but she left him for another man. He took out his insecurity on me.
The point of my sharing my experience is to better explain what love really is. Real love means giving up on what you want and focusing on the other person. I will never get attention or communication from my husband other than questions like, “What’s for supper?” or “Did you get the mail?” I spend my life looking at the back of my husband’s head when he is home, because the television is more interesting to him than I ever could be.
My husband knows he will never experience me initiating sex again, along with never again having me following him affectionately around like a dog happy to see his master home again after being going for the day. I’ve learned there is no return on investments like those. It’s the same way for things like making him extravagant meals and/or desserts. I’ll get a thank you, but after what I’ve been through, that’s no longer enough to motivate me. He needs to eat, so I do what’s necessary to get the job done. I only get from him what I absolutely need. Nothing more. Nothing less. That may sound harsh, but it’s actually not a bad arrangement. We know we stand behind each other when push comes to shove.
I think the key to being content with less in one’s life comes from experiencing enough hell to learn how to appreciate what good things do exist. That isn’t easy and it’s not quick, but it is possible. Maybe it isn’t possible without the kind of faith God has graced me with? I have often reflected on the suffering Christ went through and on how God’s love is not like love as we think it is.
People mistakenly think it is wrong to stay in what seems like a bad marriage. I’m judged harshly for depriving my children of an environment that should have been more peaceful and loving. What people can’t see is that by my staying with the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, I have given my children the knowledge to know how to deal with afflictions. They also don’t know how it transformed me from being a timid doormat into being a courageous over-comer. The greatest blessing gained out of it all is discovering how to be content without having to depend on what happens outside of my control.
We can’t control other people. The same goes for the economy, the weather, aging, and many other issues occurring from life. The secret to good health and longevity (proven by studies) is the ability to “go with the flow.” That kind of living is no different than what’s expressed in the entire original serenity prayer.
The best help I received to known how to endure through tough times came from the book, “How to Profit from Our Afflictions.” Understanding why we’re given afflictions gave me the motivation to want to face my issues rather than escape them.
You have only two choices in regard to your husband. I’m sure you already know that. You either abandon him or love him as he is. On the flip side, he has to take you as you are or leave. It’s highly unlikely he will leave. It will be easier for him to adjust to the marriage than it will be for you. With Aspergers, comes certain abilities neurotypicals seem to lack. We often hear about the advantages of being NT, but rarely hear about the advantages of being an Aspie.
The differences between Aspies and NTs can be blessings if handled properly. Doing what’s right brings blessings in the end. Focusing on differences will be destructive if not done in the spirit of love. Jesus Christ is our example of what love is. None of us are without sin. We all need forgiveness, but we can’t give what we don’t have.
No one who has not experienced the grace of God is capable of truly being a forgiving person. Forgiveness is not conditional. It doesn’t mean pardoning unrepentant behavior. It means harboring no malice. Love is not conditional. Sex and affection are only one way love is expressed. A love involving the sacrifice of life is selfless. A love involving affection and sex may not necessarily be so.
My husband makes sacrifices for me so that I can survive in this world. I have safety, shelter, food, heat, and clothing. I make sacrifices for him so that his sacrifices are less difficult. I help him by caring for his needs and attending to household duties. We have become a team working together for the good of the family. We have security. We have love for each other. Even though the kind of love we share is solid, it would never attract Hollywood to produce a replica of it for entertainment. It would fail to display enough “feel goods” to satisfy viewers.
Penelope Trunk is not an aspie. She is an attention-seeking, dishonest, materialistic, petty, arrogant fake aspie. She is difficult, introverted and misanthropic and from that she concludes that she has Aspergers Syndrome. Well, that’s not how the World works. Her article on losing her virginity is just that; losing her virginity which is awkward for nearly everyone. She thinks she can gain sympathy and immunity from her bizarre ideas and advice that she holds as dogma, stalking and selfishness by pretending to be an aspie. Well, that is offensive to aspies and people like me who know and love someone with Aspergers.
Do you know her personally? I’m not saying you’re wrong. What I’ll do is add the words “says she” in the sentence, “Penelope Trunk is an Aspie female.”
I try to do my best at treating others how I would want others to treat me. It’s impossible to please everyone all the time. I stopped doing that when I made God the sole being to please.
I can understand your feelings towards Penelope Trunk. There are things I don’t like about her, but then there are things I do like. The unpleasant aspects I leave in God’s hands. The attractive ones I try to learn from.
Everyone has some aspects about them we can gain from knowing. In other words, no one is a totally worthless human being. We may think so if we hate them. Hate prevents us from seeing what qualities others have that we may extract information from to be used in a constructive manner. Even highly intelligent deviants of society have them. We can gain ground by knowing how the criminal mind works in order to better protect society. The least intelligent of humans also teach us about assets worth acquiring, if we care to observe.
Your comment provides a buffer against the potential of forgetting that Penelope Trunk is human like the rest of us. Anyone who gets as successful as she has is likely to become proud. Humility doesn’t come from success. It comes from affliction. She is probably blind to seeing how her achievements backfire on her character. It seems most people get that way from esteeming themselves more highly than they should.
Those of us who are less fortunate often times have more to be thankful for, but we may not necessarily realize what those things are. The values of today’s society are warped and potentially destructive. I’m not saying it’s bad to strive for success. We need to realize that success shouldn’t be valued by how popular and/or financially wealthy someone is.
Penelope Trunk is fairly well known due to her publications. She grew up with wealth and presently lives with it. Those things tend to make a person feel powerful. It’s bound to create negative characteristics that will irritate a few. Others may treasure certain characteristics. If that wasn’t the case with Penelope, she wouldn’t have the supportive friends she does; nor would she have the following she does.
There are enough rich and famous people for us to see that they can have as many, if not more, issues to deal with. Penelope writes stories about personal issues in her life. She is like all of us in that we will only see what we allow ourselves to see. Every human being is their own final authority. That can be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending upon how honest someone is willing to be with themselves.
Sometimes what others see is what’s reality. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes what we see about ourselves is the truth. Everyone is capable of deceiving themselves. Without God opening up our spiritual eyes, we are going to remain blind as to what is going on in our hearts.
Only God can judge what’s in a person’s heart. However, making judgments about others serves a useful, and potentially constructive, purpose. But let us make judgments in the right spirit. Let us do so in the spirit of humility; not pride. A consequence of pride is hate. A symptom of humility is love.
Christmas is soon approaching. I pray we use this upcoming holiday season to meditate upon the things which will bring peace and joy to this world. God knows we have too much misery and discontent as it is. Let’s not make more.